“Why is my grown daughter so mean to me?” That’s the latest question on your mind.
You were much closer to your daughter before now, but whenever you attempt to talk to her now, she sounds closed off and replies in a resentful and hostile manner.
It appears she’s bearing a grudge against you, but you’re unsure.
There are some reasons behind her actions.
You may be right or wrong in whatever you think are the reasons.
But before you conclude, you need to consider the most likely reasons behind her actions.
It’s not enough to assume and run along with the narrative when it’s not confirmed yet.
Let’s look at some of the most likely reasons why your grown daughter is so mean to you.
Why Is My Grown Daughter So Mean To Me?: 6 Most Likely Reasons
What could be the reason behind your grown daughter treating you so badly?
We can all agree that the disrespect, anger, and negative energy didn’t just spring up from nowhere.
There are many reasons why your daughter is acting mean towards you.
It may be about her life, or it can be about your attitude.
Outlined below is a list of some of the possible reasons why your grown daughter is so mean to you:
1. You mounted a lot of pressure on her when she was younger
Was your daughter the perfect picture of the good kid when she was younger?
Let me break it down for you — she never requested anything, was always obedient to her teacher, and was a straight-A student.
In addition, she took care of more house chores than every other person in the house and took really good care of her younger siblings.
All these attributes made you think she’s the definition of the dream child.
You thought she was mature and responsible for her age and would grow into a successful and bright adult.
However, she never had the opportunity to experience and fully enjoy her childhood because she took up a lot of responsibilities at such a young age.
She never had the chance to be a child because she was preoccupied with how to be low maintenance and how to meet up with the high expectations others had about her.
2. She lacks wholesome coping mechanisms
Your grown daughter is likely to lash out at others and act meanly towards you and everyone around her if she lacks healthy coping mechanisms to deal with strong emotions.
In layman’s terms, she will successfully frustrate the life of other people around her whenever she’s going through a rough patch.
She’ll discover that the easiest place to vent is on a loved one, so she pours her anger, frustration, and misery on them.
She’ll lash out at you over even the tiniest things.
This attitude is her looking for someone else to blame for her woes besides herself.
Anger is an emotion that comes from sadness or hurt, with the purpose of protection.
Whenever she lashes out at you or anyone around her, she feels she’s defending and protecting herself in her most fragile state.
3. You let her live the way she deems fit
You’re not setting your children up to succeed if you always let them live their lives the way they want.
Perhaps you let her get away with too much when she was younger.
If you didn’t know how to say ‘no’ to her in her younger years, she’d grow up believing she’d get everything she wanted on a platter of gold.
And she’ll likely blame you when things don’t go her way.
The harsh reality of becoming an adult may hit her squarely in the face, and if you didn’t teach her important life skills earlier, she’d bear grudges against you for her lack of preparation.
It’s not easy to transition in life, and it’s obvious that she wasn’t prepared in any way for this one.
4. She’s declaring her identity
She may feel you still see her as a little girl, not a grown woman.
If you demand respect while treating her like a child, examine yourself and know how you’ll react if the tables are turned.
If what you want to do is try to impose your idea of who she is based on your observations and your parent’s intuition, she’ll, in turn, be trying to prove to you who she is and who she wants to be.
She’s trying to show you that she’s frustrated by your biased view of her.
That she’s mean to you now doesn’t mean she’ll not be open to mending her relationship with you.
You mustn’t define her based on who she appeared to be when she was still growing up.
Allow her to define and discover herself.
Then, focus on showing her respect than demanding respect for yourself.
5. You were very strict with her
It’s general knowledge that strict parents don’t raise well-behaved children.
You force her to be secretive when you set limits on what she can do.
It made her not trust you with anything, and so she kept her struggles from you for fear of getting you angry.
She begins to lie as a result of her fear for you.
While you think you knew her greatly, she hid much of her personality from you.
She created ways to get around your rules and made excuses to cover herself.
Because she has strict parents, she doesn’t trust adults to take care of situations without getting angry with her and dishing punishments without trying to understand her first.
Perhaps you didn’t tell her why she was prohibited from doing a particular thing, so she learned the consequences the hard way.
6. She needs healing
If she’s going through subdued trauma, it may be affecting her terribly.
It’ll interest you to know that all of the bad emotions from her past will not stay buried within her forever.
And whenever they come up, they’ll transform into resentment for you whether or not you did anything wrong.
Her parents are the easiest targets whenever she’s looking for who to blame for trauma from her past.
This is especially true if she feels you could have protected her if you had paid more attention to her.
Why Is My Grown Daughter So Mean To Me?: What To Do
1. Speak with her
Engage your grown daughter in a heart-to-heart discussion and try as much as possible to avoid being defensive.
Even if she attacks you during the conversation, do not respond to her.
Also, set boundaries when talking to help check the words that come from your mouth.
2. Listen attentively to what she has to say
If she’s ready to talk and you’re willing to listen, then make sure that you pay close attention to whatever she has to say.
You should listen to understand her and not devise a defense for yourself.
Swallow your pride for that moment, and let the focus be on your daughter.
3. Re-evaluate your relationship
You have to be open to growth.
It’d be difficult for her to see you in another light if she grew up knowing you as a strict parent.
Accept that as you try to rebuild your relationship with your daughter, it’ll be difficult and different from what it used to be before.
4. Apologise to her
The first step to mending your relationship with your daughter when you hurt her is to tender a sincere, heartfelt apology.
Acknowledge that you were wrong and admit to how it affected her.
When you apologize to her, give her space if she needs it.
However, don’t respond to her if she attacks you with her words.
She needs time to calm down if she’s angry.
Above all, pray for her and your relationship with her.
Parents’ prayers work wonders!
You must be a mean daughter.
ahhhh, so it is mommys fault
why were there so many fewer problems when there were expectations of behavior and consequences to actions?
My .om was also strick with me so what i do first is leave her house go on my own but ever time i try all the things you said i must do . there things i do but she never admit her wrongs,an i think she’s now 34 years old old enough to go on her own she don’t even have a job , she has not have a perment job for over 10 year .
check out Parental Alienation.
my ex tortured me emotionally for decades. as did my father and mother. we follow the template we are given as children. He was almost successful ,but not quite ,in breaking me. I was the buffer between him and her. I was to unwell and conditioned to manage to leave.
she and I were close.
I became seriously une6and was admitted to hospital for 4 months. spinal infection
when discharged, my daughter was a different person. she was 18 and due to go to uni. od stayed that long. but on 4 months, he completely changed her personality and memories.
and when I left, he doubled down.
4 years later, she and I are ok. but she still hasn’t come to terms with her internal conflict about what she knows really happened and what her “upper” self thinks.
he’s furious. each time she’s with him for a few days, she comes back mad and mean. I. ant do anything right. but I keep quiet and don’t give her fuel. there are hugs and love and sofas and movies. But she’s not fully right yet. I’m still recovering after a lifetime of abuse.
I protected her and Sid prepare her. But my exhaustion amd undiagnosed ADHD often resulted in me being utterly burnt out. when I was sleeping, I dont know what was being said. I can guess. And I should have e been there. And I shouldn’t have even let him in the door. But I was genuinely unwell.
Of course I’ve hurt her feelings sometimes. The differen6bwtween me and my parents ,(and him) is that I own it and apologise. I’ll discuss it so she realises I understand I’m wrong and not just making nice. Ditto, I expect the same from her. For a while, after I left, it wasn’t there. But it’s coming back. Slowly.
She’s fragile but won’t admit it. He’s not what she desperately wants him to be . Never was And never will be. When that hits, she’ll be devastated. Even worse, his flying monkeys of a family know well that he’s lied and lies. They enable him and support him on her presence. She adores them. She’s 20 now. I don’t want her to be my age before wage figures it out. each day the guilt will increase. But I must be mindful of her safety too. It’s a desperate balancing act.
narcissistic partners ruin lives.
Therapy can help.
Ultimately, only the truth will heal things.
We were always very close until I served her father with divorce papers in 2020. He is a covert narcissist and a smear campaign had been going on for years. It did not seem to affect our relationship until I left. She was 20 and away at college, it was clear to everyone that we were no longer together as we slept in separate rooms and Mine had a deadbolt on the door. It’s been more than four years and she refuses to speak to me because I finally left this abusive marriage. I have been told my relationship with her is now an abusive one because of her cruelty. Saying this to her of course is not an option, I love her and have sent only messages of love only to have pure hatred and venom spewed back at me. It’s beyond hurtful and I have retreated and now only send cards on special occasions that say I love you and I will always be here for you. My heart is broken. My older daughter is in touch but it’s infrequent. She is now 28. That relationship seems to have not been completely destroyed although after getting into a new relationship, my older daughter seems to have faded away as well. I have been told this is the result of things my ex-husband is saying to them, but I can’t control this or take this. I feel like I don’t have daughters anymore. It’s physically painful, truly devastating.
I feel for you. I’m in the same situation. It hurts worse than any other emotional pain.
I cut off both my kids bc of disrespect. They have trauma from physical abuse at hands of their father. The x would jack up my daughter against the wall by her neck and at 16 my son tried to recreate the incidents on me. Son was immediately thrown out of my house. Their behavior mirrors his. I informed both to get help for what they suffered.. tired of being the punching bag.
So sorry it’s amazing how many of us are going through this hell. Focus on self care and find ways to be happy and laugh whether in or out of your life as you deserve happiness and peace too.
I am so sorry for your loss, I too, have lost my daughter in very much similar circumstances. I feel this is worse than if she had passed away because she chooses not to have any contact with me. I have been so devastated by this and it’s been about 15 years. Losing your child is the worst thing that can happen to a mother.I feel your pain.
I can totally relate to your situation because it is exactly what I am facing. My daughter has completely shut me out of her life & I do not know why. It is the most heart wrenching pain imaginable.
my granddaughter to raised her from a baby parents never had anything to do with her now for some reason shes all for the father and cuts me out
I’m so sorry you are going through this. This same thing is happening to me and I feel like the very short time I do currently have with my children my ex is doubling down when he has them the majority of the time. He has turned my oldest daughter against me, twisted her sense of reality and feel he is working on my young son, too. I consistently tell both my children I l0ve them, I’m here for them, and they will always have a home here with me. It hurts more than I can express.
Life and family relationships are beyond tricky and at times seem to be impossible. Accept that humans are weak and poorly equipped to handle discord and create lasting harmony. Good, solid, maybe long term therapy for oneself is the secret to a personal happiness. You cannot “fix” anyone or undo past toxic human experiences. Heal yourself, live with “good intention” from others and if and, when necessary, create healthy boundaries to “release with love”.
I received a call from my eldest daughter’s teacher. She had learned that my daughter had hidden not eating from me for 2 weeks, and not eating at school, and her teacher said she’d just learned why: my husband (who has an eating disorder) was forcing it onto my kids. Emotional abuse, and the teacher had to report it to Child Protective Services. CPS had me come alone to their offices where they asked if I planned to stay with the father. I said, No, not when he’s abusing my kids. CPS said they were relieved to hear it because if I’d stayed with him, they would have been forced to put my kids in foster care. Over my dead body. I followed their instructions 100% and in the end, I received 100% custody of my kids. Their father was found to be a child abuser. However, he got back at me big time. Whenever he talked to my kids on the phone, he told lies about me, promised them the world. They never wanted to live with him, ever. But since he is a millionaire, his promises were intriguing to them. I didn’t have millions to give them. Although they told me how completely lacking in empathy, care, and love for them, and despite telling me that they knew how much I loved them and was the only parent who had ever been there for them, they chose his money over me. It’s been decades since I’ve had a Mother’s Day wish. My birthday is also in May, so I really hate this month. It’s been 30 years since I’ve received a Happy Birthday and a Mother’s Day. Although, I don’t believe my eldest daughter has ever once given me Mother’s Day and birthday wishes in the month of May. Oddly, I’ve always sent her Mother’s Day cards and presents for ALL holidays. I haven’t even known my youngest child’s address since 2010. My heartbreak has been so complete. I finally had to let God and let go so that I could learn to be happy again, but marrying the wrong person, so cruel and cold, can truly ruin your life. If they have family that never accepted you, as his family never accepted me, for a judgment against me that they never even tried to understand while at the same time claiming to be Christians, I was forced to endure great hardship with them. They mocked me continuously at big family dinners, behind my back to everyone they knew who told me about it later, and viciously worked continuously to convince my husband to leave me. His abuse was profound, and he was just as bad as his family. Then a granddaughter informed me that every single huge Christmas party with my ex-husband’s family, my daughter would participate in mocking me with all of them. My granddaughter laughed her head off as she told me what they did to me behind my back. With all of that going on, it’s no wonder my kids and grandchildren dislike me. They go along with their grandpa and his family. This past week I changed the beneficiaries on my life insurance policy to only include someone who loves me. Parental alienation is a real thing even when you did what CPS, therapists, the teachers, and courts told you to do. Children will eventually believe whatever they want. They may decide to not show loyalty to the only one who was there for them, but to the one who never was there and whom they tell you they know never will be. I can’t fight it. I can’t defend myself against lies.
I have twins, boy and girl. They were very close, especially my daughter to her twin brother. They were raised pretty much same as each other. She began acting a bit hateful around her teen years, I thought it was just that time in her life..she really didn’t want to go with me anywhere. She continued to act this way. Just before their 21st birthday, my son passed away from motorcycle accident. So very tramatic for both of us. I joined a group for mothers who lost children, I encouraged her to do it, siblings lost their siblings. She stayed in for a while but said she couldn’t relate. I understood it was just as hard if not more so far them. I tried my best to be there for her,but generally she blocked me out. That was 2011,and continued to us getting further apart. Now she has 2 son’s, she knows how crazy I am about them, but nothing got any better, a lot more worse. I’ve always tried to be there for her but it has gotten to the point, she acts like she hates me, she’s always saying things that aren’t true, what a terrible mother I am, and none of her friends mothers act like I do. Mothers day it all fell apart, she talked to me like I was the worst person ever. Told me happy f ing mothers day. I don’t know what to do other than let her go. I lost my mom last year. So here I am on mothers day, alone with my dogs.
An adult child that completely estranges herself from her family, as our daughter did over eight years ago (at the age of 37), is as excruciatingly painful as a death. But, unlike with death, parents can never get to “closure.” It’s a rough road for dedicated, loving parents. We learn to hold our grief side-by-side with the joys that we are very fortunate to have (each other, three devoted loving sons, and a recently adopted grown daughter — who once was a niece). But the sorrow for the one missing never leaves us. It’s almost like we’re waiting for the other shoe to drop, whenever that may be. Perhaps never.
I have never heard anyone else say that out loud, but I used the same words when I was in this situation. I would never say it to someone who lost a child but I didn’t see much of a difference when I didn’t see or talk to my daughter. I’m sorry that you’re having this experience – I know it’s awful. I chose divorce when my daughter was around 7. She did not accept it at all. My daughter moved in with her father (who did every bad thing a husband could do) when she decided she didn’t like my rules and he was financially better off because he remarried and she didn’t like my rules. She was 15 and a half. I was the visiting parent but things were rough. When she was getting married she cut me and her grandparents off, and we were disinvited from the wedding. We didn’t speak for 11+ years. Eventually, she became disenchanted with her father and found herself with no family. She reached out and our relationship is back on track and I have 3 beautiful grandchildren. There are so many reasons girls turn on their mothers, but sometimes you just have to give them a bit of time to get over their emotions. I also think it’s ok after a fair amount of time to tell a daughter that the situation is unacceptable and needs to be healed. Unless there was physical or sexual abuse involved I believe that a parent should be able to call for a place in a childs life. I should never have allowed the situation to continue for 11 years – that’s on me – if I could get a do over I would have contacted her much sooner.
Sometimes a child is unwell and the mother is NOT the reason. This message makes me so angry. I wish I could be more open to your point of view – but this is so narrow minded and unexperienced of all the suspect scenarios.
I hope for you, that you explore the struggles that others experience when mental illness plays a role. I have been severely abused by my daughter due to her illnesses and addictios.